Just some random thoughts about Love I put down in writing a while back, obviously on a lonely (or alcoholised) night.
It strikes me now in how much pain I was. How could I tolerate a man to make me feel that way ? So unsafe and threatened by every other woman around ?
So lost and unsure of my own worth.
I wasn't a jealous woman. But his promises of faithfulness made me one.
I believed (or did I really) he loved me, and I was just trying to understand him. I would blind my eyes and mind to the fact that I knew in my stomach he was a cheater, that I knew he was a deceitful liar, and a deeply deeply manipulative man. He would always justify his behaviour in God's name, and call me a crazy jealous bitch, making me doubt that my own behaviour was wrong, while it was always him who did wrong from the beginning. He would constantly make me feel weak and break me down with awful comments like I was lucky that he loved me, lucky that a man as amazing as he was would want me while I was a mess of a single mom. He would isolate me from my friends and family to better control my mind and feelings.
Oh, never again. I just regret it took me so long to figure out I deserved so so much better and that you cannot change a man no matter how hard you try.
Love is him, of course.
I can’t seem to be able to take my thoughts off of my pain,
my obsession and fear of being fooled, betrayed,
my selfish insecurities and the crushing waves of heartache
that won’t stop putting me down.
Because Love is a fucking Bitch, a Tease,
a never-aging teen Whore obsessed
with making men feel powerful
and submitting women to her.
She is filled with Sadism and Perversion,
taking pleasure in crushing women’s heart
and gluttonously sucking men’s cock.
To us women, Love is a constant reminder
of Youth withering away,
A reminder of Mortality,
of the unbearable Inconstancy and Temporariness
of life and everything in it.
She takes pleasure in creating
competition and deceit between us women.
She puts darkness and indecency in our actions
by intravenously injecting us a constant dose of fear,
fear of loneliness, failure and abandonment.
we fear to end up alone
to end up a lonely spinster
and not find a man, a knight, a savior,
to rescue us from the miseries of a lonely life.
When in love,
we fear to be let down,
fear to be betrayed,
fear to be left for someone younger, sexier, smarter,
left for a firmer pair of buttocks,
and once again end up alone
with our glass of Hennessy for only companion,
And of course loyal Smokey the cat to hold at night.
Love is the worst enemy to Feminism,
to the Power of Women.
It is that bitch that makes us weak and dependant,
that bitch who promises us the world
to better let us down, broken and weakened,
addict to being a man’s woman.
Yeah Love is sexy, so fucking sexy.
She puts colors in our lives
and butterflies in our stomachs.
She fills our heads with limitless dreams
and our souls with desire of Infinity.
Oh yeah, if she is on your side,
you can move mountains.
But she is rarely on women’s side,
What she is though,
is a Master of Deceit and Make-belief
that patiently waits that you let you guard down
to better stab you in the back,
tenderly whispering to your ear
words of a sickening Truth.